Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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