Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
