And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
