I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
