I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
