I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
