Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
