i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
