went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
