a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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