Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
