I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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