Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
