Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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