Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
