He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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