You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
