Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
