theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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