I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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