There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Who died my cat blue again?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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