i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
