life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
