Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
