So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
