omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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