So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
