i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
