My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
