I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
