I met the friendliest cop last night
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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