Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
