i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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