This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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