Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
