i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
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Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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