My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
