I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
