you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
