my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
