I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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