i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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