Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have tasted many bathrooms
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
