I could make wine with my vomit
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
