There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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