When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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