Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
