Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
