So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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