careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
