I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
