Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
