chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
